'Tis the Season--for Tombstones and Epitaphs, not Christmas Trees
I had a longer version of this post written for my #50,000 a while back but after re-reading it a few times I thought it was too morbid so I tossed it. I hope this one is not.
In mid-2023 I posted in a few of the LC threads about my wife's experience with pancreatic cancer. As I have shared with a few posters here, she died before completing her second series of chemotherapy treatments. One of the people I shared it with suggested that I post this narrow slice of the saga, so here goes.
Amid the general chaos surrounding her sudden passing, our two adult children and I went shopping for a headstone. I would have preferred to wait a while, but since they each lived more than a comfortable day's drive from here I wanted to get it done while we could all be present to agree on something suitable.
It turned out that picking the headstone itself was pretty easy and we all quickly settled on a double-wide that everyone liked. Then we went into the office to discuss the engraving. My son and I had been giving a lot of deference to my daughter due to her having generally better taste than either of us, but also because she was not in town for our necessarily immediate planning after my wife's death. After we got past the basics of names, DOB/DOD, general designs, etc, we were asked if we wanted to include an epitaph. We had not discussed that at all.
My daughter quickly volunteered that her mom had told her repeatedly that she wanted a particular line from a Beatles' song. My wife had never mentioned that to me and I thought we had talked about everything. My daughter is a huge Beatles fan and has attended a few Paul McCartney concerts (who it turns out is who had written the line). I'm not going to say that I thought my daughter might be wanting to insert her own wishes here, but I quickly asked our son if my wife had ever mentioned that to him. He is a music aficionado with very eclectic tastes so I knew he wouldn't be biased toward the Beatles. Without hesitation he replied that she had. Still dubious, I asked if she had mentioned it more than once. "Yep." I wasn't crazy about the choice, but I had no better objections that that, so I signed off on it.
Ob-la-di ob-la-da
life goes on
Since we had gotten a double-wide, I was asked if I wanted to add an epitaph for myself. I was totally unprepared and said I'd let them know. I was informed that it would be very difficult and expensive to try to add it after the stone had been laid. However, they said they would hold the order for a couple of weeks unless they heard from me sooner with an addition. Agreed. Two weeks passed and nothing struck me, so I assumed the order had gone in. A few weeks after that I had a couple "I wish I had done so-and-so" moments. After several weeks passed without a stone appearing, I stopped by to inquire about the delay. They were still waiting for my info. *sigh*
But lemons into lemonade, I gave them the title from a Mickey Newbury song for my side of the bed. I knew I couldn't compete with McCartney so I settled. I only wished that they had had the space to accommodate "I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in."
In the ensuing months it really bugged me that my wife had never mentioned that choice of an epitaph to me. She had requested a lot more minute details and asked me detailed questions about what I wanted when I died as we all expected that I would hit the door long before she did. Prior to having surgery between her two series of chemo, she had even left written instructions for her funeral and various other things and left it in a spot that we would be certain to find it. Fortunately she hadn't destroyed that after coming out of her surgery fairly well. But it just kept bugging me. I have finally concluded that she was leaving a personal message for her two kids in a place where they would be reminded of it with some frequency. I hope they take it to heart.
Thank you for deciding to post this, Tom. Great story. Very moving.
On one of my adventures, I had the good fortune to meet Mr & Mrs Ames while passing through their area. Great people. After I heard, I was quite distraught, but felt extremely honored to have had the chance to meet her.
Hope you're doing well. Be good and take care.
So sorry for your loss, Tom. I can't imagine that experience, but the older I get, the more I realize it's something that obviously can't be avoided.
At first, I raised an eye at the Beatles line, but the more I think about it, the more I like it. Great, cheeky message to those who remain. I think I would've enjoyed meeting your wife if I had had the chance!
And not to hijack your thread with my own brush with mortality, but my father passed yesterday after a long illness, but one that quickly deteriorated over the last month. But it made me realize that because he is being cremated, I have no idea if there's also going to be a headstone somewhere. I'll have to ask my mom. I don't think so, but what was morbidly funny was that a few days ago, he insisted that he saw on TV Bill Burr doing a whole stand up routine about our family. With great detail! Like, he must have dreamed it but then conflated the reality of it with something he actually did see on TV.
But it was real for him. I didn't know he even knew who Burr is lol. And last night, my siblings and I had a laugh about it.
I think I will be cremated as well, when the time comes...but now I wonder what I would want on my headstone. If I had one.
Again, I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Thank you for deciding to post this, Tom. Great story. Very moving.
On one of my adventures, I had the good fortune to meet Mr & Mrs Ames while passing through their area. Great people. After I heard, I was quite distraught, but felt extremely honored to have had the chance to meet her.
Hope you're doing well. Be good and take care.
Thanks. Meeting you was our pleasure!
So sorry for your loss, Tom. I can't imagine that experience, but the older I get, the more I realize it's something that obviously can't be avoided.At first, I raised an eye at the Beatles line, but the more I think about it, the more I like it. Great, cheeky message to those who remain. I think I would've enjoyed meeting your wife if I had had the chance!And not to hijack you
Wow! I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. That Burr story will become a fond memory.
My wife mentioned a few times that she "wouldn't mind" being cremated if her mother weren't still living as that would likely kill her. I interpreted that to mean that would otherwise have been her preference. We used to joke that her mother would outlive us all, but that could well turn out to be the case.
After we agreed on a cemetery one of my wife's requests was that she be buried as close as possible to her best friend's plot. When her best friend dies, they will be in adjacent plots.
The cemetery where our plot is has a section for people who have been cremated. I've driven past it a lot but never stopped to look to see what differences there are. I have noticed a couple of memorials taking place there. My best friend from HS was cremated during the pandemic, and his ashes were buried in a small corner of his father's cemetery plot in our hometown and has a small headstone.
Thank you!
Tom, thanks for sharing and sorry for your loss. I don't think it's morbid and I hope it helped you that you shared.
Dom, I'm sorry to hear that about your father.
Thanks Tom, sorry for your loss. And you too Dom.
I've considered asking how your wife was doing numerous times, assuming she must've kicked its ass, but always refrained, not wanting to bring up anything painful in our little corner of Internet Escapism.
Dominic, sorry about your Dad's sudden passing.
With respect to cremation, what I've seen is similar to what Didace showed. I went through my hometown this summer. After finding my parents' graves, I went over to the spot where cremated remains are stored, to see the spot of the dad of my best friend from high school. In this cemetery, it's an octagon maybe five "stories" high.
Anyway, I found Paul's site and thought about him a little bit. Walking back to the car, I noticed the name of another friend's parent inscribed on the faceplate.
Kinda freaked me out, as I was pretty sure they were still alive. (In fact, my last evening in town, that friend texted saying he was going to his folks, inviting me to see them.)
Turns out they've just prepared in advance.
I've seen many headstone with just a birth year. Death year gets added when known.
I thought the Beatles lyric was perfect. I don't know how else one could encapsulate amazing art into just a few symbols.
Tom, thanks for sharing and sorry for your loss. I don't think it's morbid and I hope it helped you that you shared.
Dom, I'm sorry to hear that about your father.
Thanks. It did. In fact, simply writing and re-reading the one I discarded helped as well.
Thanks Tom, sorry for your loss. And you too Dom.
I've considered asking how your wife was doing numerous times, assuming she must've kicked its ass, but always refrained, not wanting to bring up anything painful in our little corner of Internet Escapism.
Thanks.
It's a strange dynamic--at least in some societies, or segments of them. I just couldn't figure a graceful way to post it. I have discovered that it works the same irl--on both sides of the coin.
Tom, thanks for sharing, and I hope it's at least a little cathartic. Very sorry for your loss.
so thankful Tom was comfortable to share with me his wife's condition along the way
because his experience and wisdom was a reciprocal source of strength over the past eighteen months while spouse kicked the $hit out of breast cancer
show me a kinder human
so thankful Tom was comfortable to share with me his wife's condition along the way
because his experience and wisdom was a reciprocal source of strength over the past eighteen months while spouse kicked the $hit out of breast cancer
show me a kinder human
Thanks for the kind words.
And take a glance at a mirror.
Thanks for sharing Tom. I know you have offered support when I've been down - I hope you know it means a lot.
I am sorry for your loss. Losing someone you love is never easy - and the hardest ones are those we lived with everyday.
so thankful Tom was comfortable to share with me his wife's condition along the way
because his experience and wisdom was a reciprocal source of strength over the past eighteen months while spouse kicked the $hit out of breast cancer
show me a kinder human
Well done by the spouse.
Thanks for sharing Tom. I know you have offered support when I've been down - I hope you know it means a lot.
I am sorry for your loss. Losing someone you love is never easy - and the hardest ones are those we lived with everyday.
Tom,
My heart goes out to you and your family.
You always have a friend in me.
- McMuffin
Thanks, guys!
Happy to hear Mrs SoreEyes was successful in her battle, that's great news! Please recite a poem to her for us.
